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.I.Am.What.I.Have.Created.
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[08 May 2006|08:06pm] |
ive been away from here for a while.
i just havnt felt like elabrating on my life.
lets just say a lot has changed.
anyway... tomorrow's the last day of finals.. which means everyone's going home.
ill have about 2 weeks before i come back here for summer classes.
hopefully, my grades this semester will be good enough so i can take more than one class.
tomorrow night im also seeing kittie for the first time in over a year and a half.
im excited :)
im also going to MD and PA with neil to see them.
and then on sunday, im seeing them again in NYC.
then i might go with neil to ohio and detroit.. if i have enough money and if i dont have classes on the surrounding days.
as much as i want to see them more, i cant jepordize my grades.
im doing so well this semester, despite everything that has happened.
im expecting a B or better overall.
i hope so anyway.
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[31 Jan 2006|02:35pm] |
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[20 Jan 2006|02:31pm] |
last night was amazing.
drinkin 40's, taking shots, smokin joints with suicide city.
sal had a blast.. :)
but when it started gettin late.. jennifer kicked me out cuz i had a long way to go to get home.
then we had this hysterical cab driver who was talkin abt sex and... it was insane.
next friday.. @ the continental.. everyone please go to the show..
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[15 Jan 2006|05:19pm] |
Everyday in every way I'm falling
Everything that eberyone says turns me on/off
Shine a light on me
So that everyone can see
That I wanna stay here indefinitely
Time exists but just on your wrist so don't panic
Moments lasts and lifetimes are lost in a day
So wind your watches down please
'Cos there is no time to lose
And I'm gonna stay here indefinitely
And I wanna stay here so just let me be
Now I can see the light circling round your reflection...
And I'm gonna stay here indeinitely
And I'm gonna stay here so just let me be
Indefinitely, indefinitely, indefinitely
Indefinitely, indefinitely, indefinitely
indefinetly-Travis
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[14 Dec 2005|02:25am] |
pulling a possible all nighter.
and im zoning out.
o well.
hello procrastination my old friend.. we meet again.
cassidy saved me many hours of reserch tho.
i still have a lot ahead tho.
but still 20 pages of work i dont have to reserch :)
i just have to finnish it.
and my arch nemis' migrane and acid reflux are back because my body knows im not going to sleep.
fuckers.
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[12 Dec 2005|12:08pm] |
as promised.. here are the 12 days of finals. written by Alicia, Rachael, Ryan, Joey, and Me!!!
On the first day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
A tin foil star on the tree!
On the second day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the third day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the fourth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the fifth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the sixth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the seventh day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the eighth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Eight nervous breakdowns,
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the ninth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Nine lattes brewing,
Eight nervous breakdowns,
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And tin foil star on the tree!
On the tenth day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Ten trips to Pathmark,
Nine lattes brewing,
Eight nervous breakdowns,
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the eleventh day of finals,
My suite mates gave to me
Eleven popcorns popping,
Ten trips to Pathmark,
Nine lattes brewing,
Eight nervous breakdowns,
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And a tin foil star on the tree!
On the twelfth day of finals,
my suite mates gave to me
Twelve cans of beer,
Eleven popcorns popping,
Ten trips to Pathmark,
Nine lattes brewing,
Eight nervous breakdowns,
Seven papers for typing,
Six packs of cigarettes,
Five ounces of dro,
Four Aderol,
Three panic attacks,
Two hours of sleep,
And tin foil star on the tree!
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[12 Dec 2005|11:21am] |
Today we salute you, stressed out college student, during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on Starbucks & Aderol, you think to yourself, 'am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?' The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Christmas break is just days away, and your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam, because for most of us, Christmas will be spent in rehab
-thanks sara :)
later i will be posting the 12 days of finals that we wrote and sung last night in the suite.
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[11 Dec 2005|01:26pm] |
i had such an amazing time last night with jennifer and the boys.
:)
i really havnt been this happy since august.
:)
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[04 Dec 2005|02:50pm] |
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i feel like shit
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[02 Dec 2005|01:48am] |
# 1.. i love my friends. i say this so much but its true. i feel like for the most part, in my life i have surrounded myself with the most wonderful and beautiful people. on tuesday, me kat alicia and rachael cooked thanksgiving dinner. 16 pound turkey and all. like, it was a full thanksgiving meal. soooo much fun. then last night, me and rachael baked a cake. it was an adventure, but it was so much fun. we sang happy birthday to no one and all of us blew out the candles. once i get the pic of it, you all will se y it was so funny. tonight i hung out with erin and lori. who i miss so much. i miss hanging out with them. we had so much fun last year. despite all the drama, i love them so much and im so happy that everything is ok with us now :)
moving on.
#2.. neil is an asshole. he never fails to spoil a good situation. i didnt go to the kittie show. neil forgot. first of all, how do you forget that youre going on a roadtrip to detroit with your friends.. to see other friends that you havnt seen in over a year? seriously, how does that work? anyway.. i offered to pay for him too. he would have had to pay me back of course.. over time if he needed to..cuz my grandmother was going to pay for the trip for my birthday. but i saved up money for the original show back in..octtober? or september? i dont even remember lol but i had the money for that too. so i could have paid for his trip and mine with the combined money.. HE. SAID. NO. WHO THE FUCK SAYS NO TO A FREE SHOW? really? who does that? but i got news from mercedes so im not so upset about it. ill see them soon enough.
#3.. i love all my friends. but aaron.. is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i was thinking about it.. no matter what happens between us.. we have our disagreements, etc. but were always ok. i have never had a friend like him before and i love him so much. and i dont think he really understands how much he means to me. like after everything this year.. i just need someone to be there for me. and he is. every time. and it just makes me so happy. he showed me that i really can trust people. and that not everyone will hurt me. and he wants to go back to cali so bad.. i feel horrible but i wish he wouldnt go. i want him to be happy and i know he wants it so bad.. but i dont know what id ever do without him. just thinking about him leaving actually has me on the verge of tears right now. i cant imagine my life without him in it.
#4.. and on the most serious note in the emotional post.. when will i be ok again? i dont want to feel like this anymore. i wish i could get over it. but i cant. im just so lost. and i love my friends so much and they all have been great, but none of them are really helping me much with this. i feel like i cant talk to them about it because my feelings on this whole thing arent what you'd expect and none of them understand. and they'll all tell me that im wrong, and that i shouldnt feel that way.. but i cant help it. and i dont even feel like myself anymore. i just really dont care anymore. i just want to be happy again. i want to smile and really mean it. i want this feeling to go away. i dont understand why im not numb anymore. i really dont. i used to be so numb to everything. if i was hurt, i was ok soon enough. but im still in pieces. and i dont know what to do to get myself together again. i feel like i wont be whole again. and i dont know what to do about it. i really dont. i really just want my life back. i hate what ive become. i dont want to feel this anymore. i cant feel like this anymore. its driving me crazy. i act like im ok all the time, but if all of you coulf just see me.. the real me.. the me thats underneath.. im crying and screaming. and i dont know how to make it stop. i feel like im slowly dying inside and no one notices. but the front that im putting up is breaking away. i cant hide it so well anymore. but if i dont hide it i feel so weak. i hate that i cry. i hate that i get so upset that my hands start shaking. i hate that im drowning myself in smoking so much pot. i keep hoping that it will somehow make me feel better, or make it easier.. but it doesnt. i just notice myself slipping further and further away. i just... dont know what to do.
and..
#5.. i miss Joey :(
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[21 Nov 2005|08:23am] |
tomorrows my birthday.. woo.
gonna do a whole bunch of sleeping after i turn in a paper ill be up all night writing.
this weekend's kittie..
maybe this time ill actually be able to go.
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[10 Nov 2005|11:07am] |
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i need to pull myself together and get my life back.
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[08 Nov 2005|06:45pm] |
so i just went with Rae and Kat to the gas station and kat was putting gas in her car.. she was too far away from the pump so she took off the ebrake and went to the back of the car and pushed it forward.
i thought it was hysterical :)
i love my friends.
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[07 Nov 2005|12:38am] |
i really do have the bestest best friend ever!!!
i love my Aaron.
i could never ask for a better friend.
every time we hang out, i have the best time and i always leave really happy.
hes been there for me through everything the past 5 years.
he left me a comment on myspace just now that made me cry.
i dont know what id ever do without him.
<3<3
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[05 Nov 2005|04:22am] |
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im having feelings i havnt had in a long time and that i shouldnt have....
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[04 Nov 2005|01:30am] |
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do you still remember?
-One True Thing
Do You Still Remember All That You Said
I Can Still Recall Most Every Breath
Never Can Forget The Person Who Breaks Your Heart
And Now I Can't Let It Go
I Try To Bury It Somewhere It Can't Grow
No One Ever Enlightens You Until It's Too Late
I Won't Give Up So Easy
Can't Give Up The Fight
Nothing Ever Turns Out
When It's Said In The Middle Of The Night
No
A Situation So Embarassing
Everybody Else Knew Everything
Why Is It Always Me Who's The Last To Know
You Hid Your Secrets So Poorly
I Was So Blind, I Couldn't See
Why Is Love Always Something You Push Too Far
I Won't Give Up So Easy
Can't Give Up The Fight
Nothing Ever Turns Out
When It's Said In The Middle Of The Night
I Try To Hate You, But I Can't
I Try To Hurt You, But I Can't
I Tried To Love You, But I Won't Do That Again
No, No, No, No
I Try To Hate You, But I Can't
I Try To Hurt You, But I Can't
I Try, And I Try, I Try Again
And I Won't Give Up So Easy
Can't Give Up The Fight
Nothing Ever Turns Out
When It's Said In The Middle Of The Night
And I Won't Give Up So Easy
Can't Give Up The Fight
'Cause Nothing Ever, Nothing Ever
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[03 Nov 2005|10:54am] |
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i forgot to add last night that i had the most wonderful blueberry pie... which is my favorite. and i havnt had any in a really long time. so that pie just made my life... really :)
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[03 Nov 2005|01:30am] |
seriously, today was a great day.
went to class..
took a test..
called my mother..
slept..
woke up in a good mood..
went to lunch with joey, erin, and keith..
watched most of revenge of the sith..
ate dinner with keith..
went to the suite..
went to the cup with kat and mel to see dan play..
went back to the suite..
hung out for a while..
came back here..
and now im goin to sleep..
goodnight everyone <3
ps... i LOVE this weather. its so beautiful. it just makes me happy. i love living on long island :)
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[01 Nov 2005|03:20pm] |
theres still the question of WHY?!?!?!?!?!!?
and how?
if the whole time, you were just talking... then how did this happen?
how did it go from you talking, to you having sex MULTIPLE times? and hiding it from me. you say im your sister, and that you love me and all that shit.... but you still did this. thats what i dont understand. how could you do this to me? and then expect PITY from me because now... we have something else in common. it makes no sense. i have every right to hate you and want to hurt you because you made the decision to hurt me. no matter how much you say it wasnt intentional, there had to be some thought put into the whole thing.it seems like you just woke up one day and decided that you were going to take soemthing away from me just because you say you love him. you also say that you wanted us to be friends.. obviously you didnt. cuz this doesnt seem like everythings ok. if it was, then me and him would still be together, and we would still be friends. the decisions you made fucked everything up and you need to realize that. you need to realize that you threw me away because you didnt care how i felt. all you cared about was that he was paying attention to you, and because you "love" him i didnt matter. what i feel didnt matter. all that mattered was that you got what you wanted. i hope it worked out well for you. and that everything is how you imagined it to be. cuz me... im here in a world of shit, not sure of who i can trust anymore bacause im always wondering when then next friend is going to stab me in the back. back in high school when i fucked up and you wrote me that letter (that we read when me and him got back together) you said that you dont ever want a guy to get in between us. but you did. and now i live with the effects of your decision. like i said before, i live a lie everyday. i lie when i smile, i lie when i laugh, i lie when i say im ok. because you destroyed the life that i thought i had. i thought that everythng was ok for once and you saw to it that that wouldnt happen. that it wasnt ok. if you had just left it at you two just being friends, then maybe this wouldnt have happened. but you didnt. why would you do this to me? what did i do to you? what did i do to him? WHY did this happpen? tell me that. why. it wont make anything ok.. but i just need to know the reason for why i feel like complete shit every damn second of my life. i need a reason. some reason. tell me why you selpt with my boyfriend. tell me why you would do this?
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[01 Nov 2005|10:58am] |
newer questions...
if there was no intention for this to happen.. why did it? did it not cross your mind while it was happening,that it was wrong? while i was going insane wondering what was going on, hoping that it wasnt true, that i was imagining things. how could this have happened if i was never ment to be hurt. was i supposed to say: "sure its ok, have sex with my boyfriend.. i dont care" ??????? is that the way it was supposed to happen?!?!? cuz if i have it all wrong, let me know! i was under the impression that i was in a relationship. and that i had done a good thing by having everyone over and having everyone get along. because i wanted everyone to be happy, and i wanted to be able to have my boyfriend and one of my best friends be in the same room with each other without fighting. so that we could all be happy, and have fun, and all that. i guess i was wrong. i guess it was the same as it always was, a game. a game that i lost, just like i always do. i always lose. i thought that maybe this time i wouldnt, that for once.. id get what i wanted. id get to be with someone i love and be happy, have fun, enjoy summer... i thought that this year everything would be great. new school year, new boyfriend, new friends, old friends, old jokes, new jokes... just a basic fucking year of fun.. but for a month i was lied to by everyone i knew. i was told by someone i loved that everything was ok. i was told by all my friends that i was imaginging things and that nothing was going on. i felt like an asshole after thinking that you would do this. then one night, i find out that he had been lying to me, that my friends knew everything and just didnt bother to tell me, that you, my sister, my best friend had been sleeping with my boyfriend, letting him call me from your phone to lie to me, had been acting like everything was ok... all in one night, my entire world was destroyed. i felt and still feel like i lost everything. because everything feels like a lie now. i just want to lay in bed for the rest of my life and cry, and not feel anything cuz everyday i put up a fake smile. i tell everyone that im ok, i act like im happy and having fun, because if i stop.. if i stop smiling, stop laughing, stop lying to the world.. ill just fall and cry and feel all the pain im pushing back inside. my whole life is a lie now. the person everyone sees isnt who i am anymore. im scared. i smoke so much pot just so i dont feel like im dying inside. i dont look people in the eye because if i do, then they will see me. they will see the little child curld up in a ball hiding from the world. crying. wishing it would all end. i dont want to feel this way. i was getting better. i was starting to feel happy again. everytime i was around him, i felt so right. i felt so alive. he made me feel safe. i never felt safe with anyone, but with him.. i felt like nothing could touch me. he made me feel like it would all be ok, and that there really was a happy ending in it for me. i dont know how i can ever be ok with this. im just so lost, so empty.
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